I don't know if it's my nerves for an upcoming audition, or looking at my reflection for the last hour in Zumba class, looking like an elephant having a seizure, but my self esteem went down faster than a..... almost made a dirty joke there.
So Saturday I'm auditioning for a big show. A very big production. I haven't auditioned for anything in over a year. For 2 big reasons. 1. I burned myself out a bit and needed a break and 2. somewhere along the lines I lost all my self-confidence as an actor. Well I decided my break was done and I'm ready to hit the stage again, but that self-confidence thing has not corrected itself yet. I go through phases of "I got this. I'm far too awesome NOT to get the part" and "what the hell am I doing? I am SOOOO not going to get this. Seriously, I sing ok, but I dance like a rhino falling over it's own feet and I'm just all over too doofy to act."
Regardless of any of that auditioning in general gets me so nervous because I suck at it so bad. It's like job interviews. I suck at those too. Once I get the job, or the part I do just fine. But the audition/interview part.... not pretty. I'm amazed I've ever gotten a job.
Zumba class, I have to spend an hour looking at my reflection in a wall length mirror, since class is in a dance studio type room. Now this is a good thing because you need to make sure you're doing the moves right, etc. But I really, really hate looking at myself. And I cannot dance to save my life. I can get by, but I look ridiculous. It's actually kinda hilarious. I giggle a lot in Zumba.
But for some reason tonight everything just kinda crashed down on me all at once and I completely fell into myself. I hate moments like those.
But like all things they pass quickly and life moves on. So now I can go back to being utterly awesome again.