Thursday, February 19, 2009

An apology of sorts

So last night I found a bunch of bald spots on one of my girls.  Apparently over time her collar was wearing off her fur.  No irritation, no red spots or scabs or anything gross.  Just a neat little bald collar around her neck where her little rhinestone collar usually sits.  I can’t believe I haven’t noticed this before.  I was horribly distraught last night, and a little weepy thinking I’d broken my cat.  After some research I found this is kind of normal and not painful or bothersome to my little girl at all.  Somehow I don’t feel much better.

Then… more upsetting things.  I started to look through the box ‘o’ childhood last night.  This one was all school projects and things from elementary and middle school.

I got all excited again like I did with my last set of boxes.  That last set was filled with my sticker collection, fashion plates drawings, slap bracelets, fun things!  I though this would be fun too.  But this was an insight into the more unsettling sections of my early life.

First thing I grabbed was my 5th grade journal.  We were supposed to keep a journal and turn it in once a week to the teacher.  He’d read through it and make comments and give it back.  I’m still not sure why he had us do this.  Reading through my little 11 year old mind was an unsettling experience that left me very confused.  A lot of things I couldn’t read because my handwriting was so bad, but the things I could read I still didn’t understand at all.  I had one page entirely filled with “I’m fat.  Fat, fat, fat, fat.  I’m ugly.  Really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, ugly.  And fat.  Everyone hates me.” Etc.  Most of the rest of the journal was me saying how much I hated school because certain people (named and specified in this journal) would pick on me and call me names, occasionally shove me around, etc.  How I kept failing subjects because I didn’t understand them, and always got in trouble for talking. (Shocker, I know)  And for some reason I had an obsession with wanting to jump through windows headfirst. 

Ok, I knew my issues of self-loathing started young, but I had no idea they were that bad.  And I really have no idea why.  I’m pretty confused.  I also knew I was a trouble maker and attention seeker.  Heck, I still kinda am to some degree.  Heh.  But I never realized just what a rotten kid I was.  I know I apologize to my mom and dad on occasion, but to everyone involved in my young life; I am so sorry.  I wish I had an answer as to why I was such a brat.  Best thing I can come up with is my apparent obsession with self-loathing and need for external acceptance.  But that’s a pretty weak excuse. 

Well, what’s done is done.  I’d like to think I turned out alright and I’m a pretty ok person now.  Let the past lie and keep moving forward.  And right now I’m moving forward straight to the coffee machine. 

6 comments:

  1. There is the very reason it may be a good idea not to keep a diary (torment yourself later) or to write, then destroy! Insight is over-rated. I'd hate to see what I might have written about myself when I was young and had no friends! Yikes! Toss 'em sweetie! I would have had I gone thru the box before I gave it to you.

    I consider my school years very much in the past and so inconsequential! The present is so much more relevant and the future so exciting!

    Mom
    (X)

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  2. Love you, too, sweetie!
    (X)

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  3. And, you were NOT a brat! I was there, so I would know! Challenging, sometimes, but not a brat! ;-)

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  4. fyi, in catching up with my recently-rediscovered friend from HS, I can tell you that I am 99 percent sure that not many people loved middle school/high school, were friends with the popular kids, or thought they themselves were liked by others. I'll keep stressing - forget those years; that's what the rest of us do.

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  5. Thanks mom! Good to know. :) My memory skews things sometimes I think.

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